


Blue

by nyeh413peasants



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Kissing, M/M, Sibling Incest, Three times Dean almost told Sam he loved him and the one time he did
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 20:41:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12350295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyeh413peasants/pseuds/nyeh413peasants
Summary: your little brother never tells you but he loves you so





	Blue

**Author's Note:**

> Based off the song Colours - Halsey
> 
> This has not been beta'd

Sammy.  There was so much that could be said about him, especially coming from Dean.  He was everything to him, absolutely everything.  His brunet hair, heterochromatic eyes, the way he laughed when Dean cracked a stupid joke.  Everything.  Dean often lost himself in his brother’s eyes, the way he moved during a hunt, the way his face fell when Dean lost himself, the way he tried to get his brother back on track.

Dean carded his fingers through his hair, his breath coming out deeply as he tried to calm himself down.  It wasn’t the first time he’d thought about his own brother in that fucked up light.  It wasn’t the first time he’d wanted them to be something more, and he hated himself for it.  He was blue with the regret, with the longing he had in his chest for Sammy.

“Dean?   _ Dean _ ?” Sam called, slapping Dean’s arm and ripping him from his thoughts.  “What’s going on, man?  You’ve been zoning out a lot lately.”

Dean shrugged as he looked around them, not realizing they had made it back to the bunker.  He knew he would need to stop zoning out and thinking about Sammy like that, but it was hard to do so when he stood there, right in front of him.  His jeans ripped from the hunt and the flannel he always wore faded from the dust and blood.   _ Sammy’s blood. _  “You’re hurt, Sammy,” he said, walking out of the room and grabbing the first aid kit.

He came back in and sat Sam down, tugging at his shirt.  He’d only wanted the sleeve rolled up, but Sam opted to take the entire thing off, tossing it on the floor next to him and revealing a bloody gash on his bicep.  It didn’t look too bad, though, and it certainly wasn’t the worst Sam had endured.

“This is gonna sting a little,” Dean muttered, trying not to look at Sam’s torso as he grabbed a bottle of alcohol and took a swig before pouring it over Sam’s arm.  The sound his brother made sent a pang through Dean’s chest and he couldn’t help the wince, which Sam took notice to.

“Seriously, are you okay?” he asked, his voice strained as he gritted his teeth through the pain in his arm.

“I’m fine, Sammy.”   _ I love you, and that’s not okay _ , he desperately  _ wanted _ to say, but he bit his tongue, refusing to come out like that.  He couldn’t, he just couldn’t.

But Sam was stubborn, and Dean should’ve known that.  Suddenly, there was a hand on his chin, drawing his face up and gazing into his glistening green eyes.  “You’re lying, I know you are.  You haven’t been yourself lately, so what’s going on?  I- I miss you, Dean.”

Dean’s eyes closed briefly as he thought of some piss poor excuse, anything to tide Sammy over to avoid telling him the truth; to avoid telling him that Dean was in love with his little brother.  It was something Dean had realized only a few years ago, though he was sure the feelings had been there, but buried, long before.  He’d always just  _ noticed _ things about him, things that he shouldn’t have.  But hearing Sam come clean about missing Dean caused another jolt in his chest, one that made the words come spilling out.

“I love you, Sammy,” he said quickly.

Sam smiled softly in a way that nearly drove Dean up the wall.  He didn’t understand and that was clear enough.  They rarely told one another that they loved the other, but when they did it was a big deal.  But Dean knew Sam thought it as a familial love, which wasn’t what Dean had meant in the slightest.  “I know, Dean, I know.  But that doesn’t explain what’s wrong with you.”

Dean ran a hand over his face as he went back to tending to Sam’s wound.  Sam either wouldn’t understand or he would be disgusted.  There was no way Dean would be able to tell him without consequences.  “It’s just- nothing, Sammy.”

 

“Well, for what it’s worth, I love you too.”

~~~

Dean nearly told Sam again while his little brother slept.  There were times where they had to share a bed, much to Dean’s fake chagrin.  He tried acting angry that one bed was all the motel had, and even made a fuss of trying to go somewhere else, but Sam was so tired that he didn’t care.  So they had gone inside and Sam was out as soon as his head hit the pillow on the queen-sized bed.

Dean laid next to him, gently running his fingers through his brother’s hair and praying he wouldn’t wake up.  It seemed he was only able to really show how he felt for the other when he was asleep, and it wasn’t fair.  He wanted to show him all the time, but what were the odds that he’d feel the same?  Slim to none.

He worried his bottom lip between his teeth as the tips of his fingers trailed across Sam’s skin, sending shivers down Dean’s spine.  His hand lowered slightly, tracing Sam’s nose and lips.  God, how he wanted to kiss those lips of his, how he wanted to savor the feeling of Sam’s mouth on his own, but he couldn’t.  It was simple, wishful thinking that would never be a reality.  Dean felt ripped at all the edges, so conflicted that he didn’t know what to do with himself, so he turned over, facing away from Sammy as tears glistened in his eyes, threatening to spill over with even the smallest thought of his brother.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered before sleep claimed him.

~~~

Dean very nearly decided to tell Sam while his brother lay dying in his arms.  Tears streamed down Dean’s face as he checked Sam’s wound, a sob escaping his throat.  “Sammy, I-”

“Don’t, Dean.  Y- you need to keep going without me,” Sam whispered, blood pooling from his mouth and trailing down his jaw.  His hand wandered up to the side of Dean’s face, trailing blood across it as his calloused hand moved down it.  “K- keep going.  Promise me.”

“I promise, Sammy.  I promise.”  But he wasn’t sure if it was a promise he could keep.  Not only was Sam his younger brother, he was his soulmate.  They were so much more than simple brothers.  They were so much more than anything.  And it was all ending, right then and there.

Sam gave Dean an unsteady smile before going limp in his arms, and Dean began sobbing.  Sobbing for the loss of his brother, the lost love, of everything that would never be.  He stayed by Sam’s body for what felt like days before getting up and emptying a liquor store, drinking his problems away.

He drank until he was sure his liver would fail him.  Then, drunkenly, he went to the crossroads, striking a deal that should’ve never been struck, but not caring either way.  He needed his brother back, his love back.  

And Sam returned.

~~~

Dean finally told Sam three long years later, after he’d returned, after going to Hell and being resurrected once again by some unforeseeable reason.  They had been taken away from one another and reunited over and over again, and Dean wanted to get it out before they were ripped away from one another once again.

“Sammy, I need to tell you something,” Dean said as they returned to the bunker, Sam sitting down at the table and running his fingers through his long, wavy hair.  He looked up at Dean with a blink, his eyebrows furrowing as he took in the serious expression on his brother’s face.

“What is it?”

“I love you.  I mean, I really love you, in a way that no brother should love his sibling, and I feel so fucked up for it, but I know you need to know.  I can’t be taken from you again and vice versa.  I can’t stand to lose you again, Sammy.  It might actually kill me next time, just like not telling you as killed me all these years, but God, I’ve wanted to, okay?  So hate me, do whatever you want.  Just, please, don’t leave me,” Dean said, his voice starting out strong at the beginning but turning into a meek whisper at the end.  He folded into himself, wishing for nothing more than to just disappear before the screaming started.

But what faced him was silence for a few moments before footsteps filled the still air.  And suddenly, Sammy was there in front of him, grabbing his face and pulling him in.  Hands tangled in his hair as his body pressed against Dean until they were one.  Until Dean felt Sam’s lips against his own in a heated kiss, one that lifted his heart into the air.  His eyes opened wide before closing, his body reacting quickly and giving in to the kiss.

“I’ve been waiting  _ for so long _ , Dean.  So long,” Sam whispered, pulling away from the kiss for just a moment.  Just to speak.

Dean grinned into the kiss as his heart thrummed in his chest, or maybe it was Sammy’s.  Either way, they were both alive, breathing, and together.


End file.
